It was a fine Tuesday morning and we were taking our usual walk around the park. The sky is clear and birds were humming, almost like a scene in a movie. What happened next was something neither of us has foreseen but it had to be so.
Inside my head, I was thinking of how different we both are to each other, wondering how it is that we managed to get along. Was love really that powerful that it was able to transcend boundaries that we have set for ourselves from way way back. I began to wonder how long that power could last, how long before it’s effect wore off and we were confronted with regret about all the things we gave up for, the things we turned ourselves into for the so-called love.
When we were dating before, I am myself but not completely, there were no lies but part of me was kept hidden. I didn’t want to scare him away about how much emotion I have inside me. He would often talk about girls and I could pretend to be indifferent, I used to believe I really am, but truth be told, there wasn’t a single day, even then that hearing him talk about her didn’t break my heart. I’ve always wondered if they were dating too.
She was the thorn that always make me want to give up. How he talks about her, so caring, so loving, it was just far too painful and I was always so jealous. She was the reason I wanted to leave him before, because she made me feel unfit and unworthy of him, because he wasn’t comfortable with me. It was only she that he allowed to himself to be so open. I felt like a back-up, and even until now, the sound of her name, or even just the thought of it makes my body flinch, stabs me right in the chest.
He often wonders if I trust him, and I do. I know that he loves me and that he is doing his best to show me, but part of me thinks he loves her too, almost the same way he does to me. I sometimes hate myself from tearing him away from her knowing how much she meant to him, but if I don’t, I’ll be the one forced to leave. I couldn’t make him choose, that is far too much to ask.
Then I thought about how much I’ve changed since I was just dating him until now. I became possessive, even more jealous, maybe annoying, and unconsciously molding myself to keep him close, to keep him mine.I did things I never liked before to give us a mutual ground. I love him that much.
After that I start to wonder how much of himself has he given up to be with me. I wonder if a part of himself hates me for it, if he misses the old him. I don’t want to wake up one day and he would keep being mad at me, first with little things and secretly loathe me and would just wait and do reasons to abandon what we have.
I am dreadfully scared of being left alone. For how much I love him, only death could remedy such pain that might occur. Every day, I keep on loving him more, changing him a little, annoying him a little, and it was then that the question popped out.
‘Do you think you’ll ever hate me?’
He was instantly frustrated by how I was ruining our morning. I couldn’t tell him that as a girl, it’s not because I don’t trust him, but I love being reassured and that I love hearing that he loves me, that he will never let me go, and that he is mine.
I kept asking him questions that he just told me to shut up. Heartbroken, I instantly fell silent.’See what you did, you are pushing him away’ I say to myself.
After a minute of dreadful silence, I asked the words that triggered it all ‘Do you think we should just end this?’ He let go of my hand and said ‘If that’s what you think then maybe we should’. I couldn’t breathe after that, and I watched him slowly walking away. The love of my life, now gone, no longer mine and I wept the tears of a centuries worth of pain, wishing him to turn, to hug me and tell me he loves me but he didn’t.