Dangling my Heart over a Cliff

The reason I am writing this down is because I can’t say it upfront. Whenever I try to, time becomes a slut, fate becomes cruel or my tongue backs out.
I have always been fascinated by you. You know that already. Ever since the beginning you were Mr. Weird to me. Don’t take it the wrong way, weird=awesome, cool, unique, noteworthy and the highest form of praise that I could tell someone.
Mr. Weird likes me, I love saying that to myself. For the first time in my life, the person I like actually likes me back. I still can’t believe it until now.
When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I forgot everything else. I was panicking. I couldn’t believe it was happening. Imagine my disappointment to find out later that it was just meant to be a joke.
You did asked me to be your girlfriend but then you told me afterwards that we’re openly dating and we’ll see how this goes. Months later, we turn into ‘a dream in reality’, agreeing to pretend that US never happened the day we reach our ending.
Time continues to pass, and I find myself liking you more and I’m starting to get scared. You told me before that you don’t think you will ever be romantically in love with anybody. I refuse to believe that, I know you will someday but like every other ending in my almost love stories, it wasn’t going to be with me. It sucks, of course a part of me wish that if you could then why not with me, but that would be too much to ask already.
The feelings I have for you continues to grow deeper and its driving me nuts. I could barely last three days without talking to you. That’s my limit I guess. As much as I try to resist, there was nothing that I could do. I am drawn to you like a sheet of metal to a magnet.
My mind and every fiber of my being was sold to the fact that I don’t need to date anyone else because I already have you. But then, I woke up today asking “Do I?”
I always remind myself of your birthday, of our ‘deadline’, trying to instill in my mind that you would soon be gone. If I am to be honest though, I don’t want to. I don’t want to let you go. If I could, I’d like to keep you.
I don’t know where we stand and its the most annoying thing of all, not knowing. I don’t like losing control of myself but this uncertainty is getting me all confused. I don’t know whether to let go, keep on, pull back or push myself.
Hence, I am asking you. Where do we stand? What is our status? What are we? Please give me an answer so that I may readjust my line of thoughts and calm my mixed-up emotions.


5 thoughts on “Dangling my Heart over a Cliff

    • Joan Miranda says:

      Oh Neeraj dear, I am but a coward when it comes to matter of the heart. I did ask the question via facebook message though, and he in so many words didn’t really answer my question. Still, my feelings remains constant, I am his exclusively, whether or not he is mine. He is far too rare and exquisite to let go of. A black diamond in the rocks.

      • Neeraj says:

        Show some courage for once.. Guys like girls who make the first move with confidence. But make sure it isn’t too early and he is a good friend already and don’t let him know that you can’t take his denial, If he doesn’t give a positive response, don’t worry he may not really mean that 😉

      • Joan Miranda says:

        Thanks for the words of encouragement. He told me he likes me, but i guess its my own problem why i cant believe them

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