Hi, it’s me Joan. I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch lately. I’m sorry that I have been too preoccupied by everything else that is going on around me. I have no good excuse or any excuse at all but know that I am sorry. I miss you, I miss talking to you, feeling you here with me. For so long, I have been trying and trying to carry everything. I refuse help. I refuse to be weak, not for my sake or maybe it is but I never want to be a burden to others Lord.
I’ve shut people down like I always do. I know it’s wrong and I need help on how not to do it anymore. I’m really just not use to relying to people. I just rely on you and I thought its enough but sometimes I have to learn to let others help me as well. It’s like why would I even bother investing any emotional attachment to this people who I don’t see as staying forever. I take for granted the people who cares about me, I always anticipate that soon they will get tired and leave me but it shouldn’t be like that. If it’s meant to, it will happen but I must not provoke it.
I have always had this walls around me, and I want you to help me break them. I’ve always wish for that person who can see right through me, who can see me even when I’m invisible, who I don’t have to pretend to be happy with, who I can just be myself with. I’m always scared of disappointing people. I may be confident on stage but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am nothing but a coward.
I always have answers to other people’s problems. I always know what to say. I know what to do but I don’t always listen to myself. Sometimes even I really wish I could talk to a counselor, I think there is something wrong with me.
Also right now, I’m scared, no I am terrified. I don’t know what awaits me after graduation Lord. I have all theses dreams that are just so big, sometimes I doubt if I can reach them. I will do everything I could though, but I need your help. Without your grace, none of it will ever happen. Lord, you know my heart better than I do, point me to where I have to go. Guide me and always be with me.
Thank you for never giving up on me. You were always there, in my best and in my worst and when I’m in between. I love you and thanks for the unconditional love too, I don’t deserve it but you continuously give it to me anyway. I offer you my heart, my dreams, and my life. Do what you want with it. It is yours Lord. Help me become the person you know I’m capable of becoming, someone who has reached her full potential and will make everyone who has ever helped her and loved her proud of her.
P.S. Please take care of everyone, not just the ones I know but everyone as well…