Reminder: This is a work of fiction.
The day after we saw each other, I felt as if my heart was going to burst. My heart wasn’t beating at all, it was pounding. I had no words to reason out why there was an overwhelming feeling in my chest for twenty four hours. When the emotion felt too much for me to handle, I needed to call someone, and so I did what every other girl in my situation would, I called my best friend in the middle of the night. She was still groggy, which meant that I have probably woke her up. Her voice was worried, she thought something was wrong with me. There was relief and anger in her voice when I finally managed to explain to her that I was fine, just too happy.
She listened to my story all night, to my blabbering, even though she hasn’t a faintest idea who I was referring to. She understood that I couldn’t tell it to her yet, that I was still going on a phase and I needed to organize what I feel before I tell it somebody. It’s one of the reasons why I am so lucky to have Vanilla.
I told her how the change in the interactions between me and Alexander is starting to make me worried. When she asked why, this is exactly what I told her,
“As I’m getting closer to him, it worries me that it might me get me closer to a path that I shouldn’t take.”
“Be strong. Remember, guard your heart.”
With that, I was okay again, my breathing subsided, my heart calmed and I felt sane again. When we hang up the phone, my stubborn mind started to wander again and I couldn’t do anything about it. It kept on thinking about Andy and his constant questions about Alexander that I kept on denying. It went back and forth to page 104 of Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie.
“If you hold back on the emotions-if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them-
you can never get to being detached , you’re too busy being afraid of the pain,
you’re afraid of the grief . You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.”
It was as if the book was directly speaking to me that the first time I read it, I had to put it down and contemplate on the thought. Alexander was sort of a muse for my writing, it was him that inspires five of the characters in my three novels, it was him that I was thinking of when I wrote those thirty poems that are still stacked on my desktop, unpublished.