To love or to hate?
To wait or to forget?
Was it real or was it fake?
These are but few of the questions that has been circling on my minds for ages now. I know I love(d) him, and although he made me look like a fool and cheated on me, I still wonder why the hell I haven’t been able to move on yet.
Is it because I have too much pride in me, that I cannot accept the fact that he cannot love me in return after all that I did for that person?
Or maybe because the love have/had for him is real. I believe that a person only loves truly once, and could it be that that one person for me is him?
I want to scream but I’m far too sensible to do it. I want to cry but I’ve been crying for days and nights that I don’t want to look pathetic anymore. I want to ask him to come back but I know he wouldn’t, I know he never will.
People keep telling me to “move on, he already has”, whether they believe me or not, I am trying to, but always, during my darkest moment that I am determined to get rid of every piece of memory and feelings I have left, his presence comes to me, in forms of dreams or my own uncontrolled imagination, that makes me hold on to that single thread that binds me somehow to our past.
Every dream I had, it would be him, he would be asking me back and kiss me, while I shed tears of joy and pain. Joy for it’s everything I wanted, pain because even in my dreams I am conscious and I know I would have to eventually wake up, for it isn’t real. It never will be.
Not even my dozen suitors were able to distract me from him, well from time to time they manage to make me smile but none of them was ever able to get rid of the emptiness inside me…
Que sera sera.whatever will be, will be….